Battle On

“We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on.”
-J.K. Rowling

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I feel like I am broken.

The world has became a desolate wasteland of my despair, and I am drowning in my grief.

You meet someone who wants to share your forever. You marry that person, you start a life and eventually you decide that you are ready to start a family.  It’s such an exciting time, full of so much joy and laughter. You stay up too late at night talking about your future child, discussing names and nursery themes, and planning for the life you will have.

Most couples will eventually get that positive pregnancy test, and they put their plans and late night discussions into action.

But for some couples, couples like my husband and I, all that planning never amounts to anything. We are left staring at nothing but stark, agonizing, white every time we even dare to take a pregnancy test.

For some couples, life doesn’t go on:

Life stops. 

We stop planning for vacations, because, “what if we get pregnant?” We stop spending as much time with friends, because we don’t have much to contribute to the conversation if it isn’t about trying to conceive, because it has literally consumed our existence.

In my case, I quit drinking alcohol. I quit exercising. I’m afraid to get a massage, or walk into a nail salon, or dye my hair.

I feel in my heart that I must be doing something to prevent conception.

While I know most of that is just in my head, I also do know a few things which I will go into more detail about in future blog posts.

Here are five things that I do know:

  1. I know that this is not my fault.
  2. I know that realistically, there is nothing more I can really do, aside from those medical procedures which I am already undergoing.
  3. I know that though this may not be my fault, I am the infertile one.
  4. I know that my husband has an incredible sperm count with amazing motility.
  5. I know that I shouldn’t blame myself, but that is a very hard thing to do.

I don’t want to give up; and I don’t want to drown anymore. I know that I must rise above my anguish and charge into this battle at full speed.

I hope that by starting this blog, I will be able to find the courage to continue on.

I want to find a way to keep living my life, to make something amazing out of the time I am given, even if we are never able to have a family of our own.

I am reaching out, in anonymity (for now).

I am so tired of feeling so alone.

I want to find and connect with those you of you who share my struggle, or have previously shared my struggles. Infertility is the worst crisis I have ever experienced, but I honestly believe that there is strength in numbers, and a peace that can come from love and support.

I hope that you will feel free to reach out, to comment, to share your own stories. I want to hear about your heartbreaks; your triumphs; your dearest joy.

Thank you for reading. I hope that we can find a way to battle on…together.

~S

*Photo from helenboggess.tumblr.com

3 thoughts on “Battle On

  1. I am finding so much support through blogging. Breaking my silence has really helped me. I even opened up to more family and friends since starting my blog. You are not alone in your feelings. Also I started doing yoga, which has really helped me with my overhwelming emotions. I encourage you to try it out! We gotta get through this, one way or another! Hugs!

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