Waiting for Aunt Flo…

“She’s strong but she’s exhausted.”
~R.H. Sin

  

Well, I woke today at 10dpiui and I think this cycle is a bust. 

The cramps started at work yesterday. The pain wasn’t too terrible, but it took all of my strength not to start sobbing. I did tear up a bit, but otherwise was able to keep myself together. One of my bosses seemed to sense a shift in my mood, and he kept me busy for the rest of my shift which really helped. This is the upside to being open about my struggle at work. Most of the time, I don’t have to explain myself. 

Whatever hope I had when I went to bed last night that the cramps didn’t mean anything, evaporated when I woke up this morning. My breasts got really heavy overnight, and when the puppy snuggled with us this morning he pushed at me with his paws. It hurt so badly. I normally start to slowly develop breast pain after ovulation, and it gets to the point of being super painful a few days before my period. 

I have observed that all of these symptoms are worse during the three IUI cycles we have done. I’m assuming this is because of the additional hormones that I have pumped through my body. 

So, I’m feeling pretty down and defeated today. I was so hopeful about this cycle, and another failure is only going to make our next round even more difficult. I’m going to have to find a way to keep my spirits up before we try again. 

My birthday is in about two weeks. I used to love birthdays, but the longer we try and fail to get pregnant, the more difficult birthdays seem to be. They just serve as a reminder that another year had passed, and I’m still not pregnant. They also remind me that the older I get, the more difficult it will be for me to ever conceive.

I had been hoping I’d receive a nice birthday gift this year in the form of a positive pregnancy test. I guess not…maybe next month?  

Alright, sorry for the super downer post. All that positivity was going to come to a cross road eventually. Hopefully now that I have vented, I will feel a bit better and be able to get through my day? 

Thanks to those of you who read my blog. Your support has meant so much to me. 

~Sam

12 thoughts on “Waiting for Aunt Flo…

  1. This comment may be hard to read and I mean no disrespect by it. I understand how hard it has to be in your, and others’, shoes. I have a friend who underwent some major surgeries in high school and had to freeze eggs at 16 for the future.When she was 26, she and her husband became foster parents. Within a week of finishing the process, she had 2 4-yr olds and triplets in her care short term before legal paperwork was completed. A year later, they received a boy and girl, both who had been in foster care 2/1.5 years. They instantly fell in love and after 6 months they started the process of adoption. They are now the proud parents of 2 little angels who feel blesses every day to have incredible parents.That, after the mom’s early-in-life ordeal is a blessing and I know things will work out for you to give you your dream life. Think outside the box. Don’t stress.

    Another friend was told at 19 she’d never had children. This devastated her.

    3 years later when she was at the point where she wanted children, she just forgot all the stresses, the expectations, the heartache of that former day, and went about life without a kids- related goal.

    She is 30 and has 3 children, conceiving her first 3 months after she stopped stressing.

    Again, this is not meant to compare you to others or get hopes up. There is a plan for you and a thousand ways to get to your end goal.

    Bless.

    Like

  2. To the commenter above– if you have to preface your comment by saying ‘I mean no disrespect’ don’t say it. The right and good comments need no preface like that. You mean well and those are lovely stories but to insinuate she ‘just adopt’ or ‘needs to relax’ are two of the least helpful things an infertile person can hear. It is not like we don’t know about the expensive and hard option of adoption and that we are doing our absolute best not to stress and when people say ‘just relax’ we stress more.

    To you lovely blog author- I am sorry this cycle is not playing out as hoped and am sending you a hug. Xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • I do understand it hurts to hear “relax” and “don’t stress.” Like half the population are in this boat or close to it, including my aunt who was the only mother I had. But it is a fact that stress affects all bodies. There are scientists that study whether stress levels affect gender children produced by certain men, if those men only have one gender of children. One of my oldest friends and colleague is battle endometriosis, lyme disease and 2 autoimmune diseases, and has hopes of having children one day. Another friend lost 2 toddlers to cancer within 2 years. I am in social work. I see bad things every day. I, like you, am only here to offer support and positivity. My comment above has been spoken elsewhere and well-received. But because I don’t know this blogger personally, or you, it is different so I can see how it’s just another “ignorantly insensitive” thought.

      Sharing stories and different paths only helps.

      Like

      • I can tell you are a kind and compassionate person and appreciate the dialogue. Hearing stories can be helpful for sure I agree. I just think if you wonder or have to specify you ‘don’t mean no disrespect’ than it probably isn’t the exact right place or time. Just this gals perspective though. Also- seeing those close to you go through this must be really hard. But it is also not the same as actually going through it yourself just to be blunt. Similar to how I might not offer ‘advice’ like don’t stress to a cancer patient since I have never actually been in those shoes and cannot feel first hand what is and isn’t helpful. Instead I might just offer support, empathy and an ear. Maybe even a ‘thinking of you through such a hard time’. I hope you take all of this as just the sentiments of one gal on the internet though. In reality- i am not the expert- just offering a perspective as someone who has battling Infertility for years personally.

        Liked by 1 person

      • We all know that stress can have major effects on our bodies. However telling someone to “just relax” is like saying it is their fault that they cannot get pregnant. That if they were less stressed they would conceive. So many words hurt those who are going through the journey. Just be cautious of how your words can be interpreted. I have had this said to me numerous times and cannot tell you how hurtful 2 words can be.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so so sorry to read your post. One of of the side effects of going through a long infertility journey is that you develop such empathy for those on the same path as you. When I read your post I physically hurt for you. I am so sorry. I remember the feeling of total emptiness and its so unfair that not only do you face the heartbreak of the cycle not working you also have a period to contend with and getting your body back to normal after all the drugs.

    I also felt very annoyed when I read the first comment. I know it was probably meant well but suggesting that if you relax it will happen insinuates that you are too stressed to have a baby. It’s not helpful, it’s not true and it’s hurtful. This is such a hard time for you and I want to protect you from plonkers who just don’t get it.

    For now take the best care of yourself. Be selfish. Forget things and comments that aren’t important, concentrate on the good things if you can and allow yourself to cry a lot about about the sad things.

    Do whatever you need to do to get through the next few days and weeks. I know it is going to be so hard. But I know you can do it. I also know that this is not how your story is going to end and that there are happier chapters to come. For now just know that there is a couple in England sending you so much love and hugs xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry. You know your own body the best, so I concur with you when you, after many previous experiences, sense when an IUI cycle has been a bust that you’re probably right. False hope is the worst and I won’t offer it. (nor would I ever suggest to “relax” or “just adopt,” which is the bane of so-called advice for someone who is struggling from a legit medical disease. I wish so much that you and I and countless others has insurance coverage for IVF. While I understand that IUI for endo women post-laparoscopy has a relatively higher success rate, I know you’d choose IVF if it were realistically affordable.

    Be kind to yourself. And don’t give up, no matter how weary and discouraged you may feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was just thinking of you today. ❤ I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You've been through so much. I remember your post that sticks with me of how you felt all is right and ok with the world. Know that you have that peace inside you, even when you feel the sadness and turmoil. And also, you are not alone. Quietly holding your heart from afar. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Are you taking progesterone? It’s side effects mimic a lot of early pregnancy symptoms which is just so cruel! I know what you mean about birthdays being harder when you are dealing with infertility. I’ve found my last few difficult, another year when eggs are just getting older with no sign of a baby! Wishing you all the best on your journey x

    Like

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