Our Infertility Story: Another Disappoinment (IUI Round Three)

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”
~Deb Caletti, The Nature of Jade

My last post was at 10dpiui, and sort of signaled the end of my hopes for pregnancy that cycle. I wish I was finally posting again today at 16dpiui to tell you that the news was happy, and my 10 day assessment was wrong…but I’m not.

My period came early yesterday morning, one day late…but only actually about a half of a day late since I have been starting my period mid day for the last 6 months.

I cried when it came, as I got back into bed with my husband, and curled up into his arms. I didn’t cry as much as my last failed IUI cycle back in October. That one came as more of a surprise, since I had been so busy working (and it came mid day). This time, I knew we were out 5 days ago.

I had been so hopeful after this third IUI. It was my first since surgery and I had been so certain it would work…so I think I had been holding onto some hope that those 10dpiui craps may have been implantation cramps…but I know my body. We have been at this for over three years.

I don’t know what pregnant feels like. I may never know what pregnant feels like. But I think I have a pretty good idea of what not pregnant feels like. I know that feeling all too well. We start again, with hormones during my birthday week…

So I will be an emotional mess again, on my birthday.

Because the hormones are finally leaving me and I’m feeling like myself again, I’m sort of dreading knowing that I’ll be a mess again just in time for my birthday…a day I am reluctant to celebrate. Because why? What is the point in celebrating?

My husband still wants to celebrate. He wants to get me out of the house and away for a mini vacation. That’s not going to happen. We just don’t really have the money with the very real possibility of IVF looming, and I can’t say that I even WANT to go away anywhere. I don’t really want to do anything.

We will, of course. Do something, I mean. I think we will just keep it low key.

For now, it’s back to reality…back to life. I’m glad my period started on a day when I didn’t work, but today I have to. I have a terrible headache (no doubt from the gallon of wine I consumed last night in my frustration) and I’m tired.

I’m just so tired…

I have a lot of work I’ve been neglecting, so hopefully I’ll have a productive week as start my new two week wait: The wait to try again, though I’m not sure why I’m even still bothering.

Until next time,

~Sam

19 thoughts on “Our Infertility Story: Another Disappoinment (IUI Round Three)

  1. 😦 Warm thoughts going your way from Maine.

    “New evidence suggests that stress does affect fertility. A recent study found that women with high levels of alpha-amylase, an enzyme that correlates with stress, have a harder time getting pregnant.”

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  2. Ugh with the stress comment above. As if we don’t know that and having someone say it just stresses us more. I hope you end up having a good birthday and recoup enough to fight again. Xo

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Lots of prayers for you during this time. I completely understand your feelings. Thank you (as odd as it sounds ) because sadly I realize I’m not the only one going through and feeling the same emotions.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am with you, I don’t know what pregnant feels like either. And we’ve also been trying for years. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry to learn about the outcome of this IUI. I did three IUIs in 2014 before I found out I had overt hypothyroidism. My TSH was at 21. I ask everyone this: have you gotten your thyroid checked?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Happy Birthday!! I am ok. Thinking of you lots because I know what this time can be like and I hate to think of you going through it. I just want you to know that you are not on your own and that I am here if you need. Enjoy Saturday – you deserve to have some fun. Huge Hugs xxx

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